I was a young boy when my father first got ill. I recall the last few years of his life, and I remember my father as a young strong man with a failing heart who couldn't do the physical work that he was otherwise able to do in order to put food on the table. A caged lion of sorts. My father was a very blessed man and was full of life and had Christ in his heart. That I remember.
It is tough to remember things from age 10 and under, mostly still frames and situations stand out the clearest. I remember my Dad being an usher and me an altar boy at our Catholic Church parish. He was the first person to teach me about the love Jesus Christ has for us and how important it was to model ourselves after the Son of God.
This story has a great ending, but in order for that to happen, God would need to call my father home early and send a 10 year old boy into the world alone.
While my Dad left, God didn't. God and I may have been in two different rooms in the same building for better part of twenty-five years, unbeknownst to me, He was paying my rent the entire time. He was preparing me for an early life of responsibility, but the trials of life would have to become a necessary part of my fabric at an early age. Life will be different, forever changed; in a split second, there will be a new normal, a life without a father.
From the humility of having less than others to the need to work many odd jobs to earn a dollar to pay for essentials. Others often were playing sports, getting an education and taking part in the spoils of childhood. I remember thinking I want to just be able to know that in life, if our microwave broke, I wouldn't have to wait to save money to try and replace it. Have the kind of money that would allow myself to go out and buy a new one. That was my goal as a kid, I am not joking. Don't forget, Dad was Italian, "Carrino", so when he died, so did our cooking. A microwave was life for us. All joking aside, that was what I saw as being successful in my world as a child because it did happen and we couldn't get another one.
All of this was an early preparation and life lessons that will inevitably allow me to save my life and the life of my future family.
As a product of five different grammar schools located in two different states (New Jersey and Florida) I never had or experienced a permanent sense of place or structure where I could be rooted and grow. It was commonplace for me to be on the move. Looking back, a characteristic that experience gave me is the gift of agility. I would later have to make up for my lack of scholastic stability, first in High School then as I failed forward into College. I believe now, it was necessary for me to be OK with the sense of welcoming change and not being afraid to constantly reinvent myself and start over.
I did stay put during High School, even though I moved three times within the same town in four years. I didn't have to change schools so that was a first. I remember my last move, I still had a few boxes still unopened from the move before. Trying to make up for lost learning time, I had to really focus in High School. Bloomfield High School, NJ, Class of 1993. I constantly said to myself: ‘shut up, don’t look stupid because you don’t know much and become a sponge and get as much as you can so you can maybe get by without others finding out how much you don’t know.’ Sounds harsh, but it was reality for me.
Now, Bloomfield High School in the early 90’s wasn't setting records for scholastic achievement, and I was still behind. Those four years would serve as an endless journey of proving to myself that I am smart and have what it takes to succeed and I am college material, regardless of what the numbers, society and even my guidance counselor said. I was being taught the lessons of self-reliance, hard work and independence without having a guide or someone to look up to and follow. No person was there to give me a few tips on what to do and what not to do in all areas. No rule book, guide or a simple talk would ever come. It's likely that's why there isn't a fear in me to do anything new. You become accustom to relying on yourself to always take the steps alone. This here will be the beginning of some of the most important traits of my character development that I didn't know I was shaping at the time.
St. Peter’s College (now University), I honestly thought it was a church at first and not a College. With a single mom and younger sister at home, I did the responsible thing and stayed home instead of looking to live away at College. After all, the last eight years I was the “man” in the house. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I didn't have Colleges knocking down my door. I was grinding the learning rock in hopes to catch up on all that lost time spent in transit and being more of a survivor than a study. That “catch up” continued in College. With a dual major in Philosophy and Political Science, I was able to figure out a way from stumbling into College to turning it around and in four years and graduate with Honors in 1997. I recall when I first walked into College I declared my major immediately. They must have thought I was secure and confident and a guy that knows what he wants. Little did they know social sciences were the only majors that had the least amount of math. After all, the only math I was ever good at or interested in had a dollar sign in front of it.
OK, going to college nowadays isn't a big deal, but with my transient past and need to have an eat-first mentality forced me to get by with education so I can get on my feet, develop survival skills and figure the school thing out later. Coupled with the fact that my High School Guidance Counselor looked straight into my eyes and said ‘son, you are not college material’ and handed me a brochure for the Armed Services. I have to admit, there was a part of me that thought flying helicopters was in my near future. While I have a strong heart for service to our Country (my Dad was in the Air Force) I strongly considered the advice and thought the Armed Forces may be the next step. It was a vivid memory at my Dad’s funeral, when I was handed a wrapped flag acknowledging my Dad's service to our Country.
I was wise enough to get a second opinion from my friend and classmate’s Dad who was also a guidance counselor at our school. He introduced me to Saint Peter’s College. I applied and was accepted to Saint Peter’s and began the education process for the next four years. This is also my first introduction to loans and how the financing of my education was as quick and easy as a pen stroke. I think it took until my junior year when I realized colleges should have called it financial debt and not financial aid. I never did find out where the aid was in this process.
God’s hand was on me while I was finishing up College and the future of my life will suddenly change and fast track my confidence, education and perception. God has a unique way of putting people in the lives of others that help shape and define a person’s future path and person. At this point, 1997, this particular person was Dean Frances Bouchoux. Dean Bouchoux is one of the main reasons why there is the word Esquire after my last name. She may say it was my poorly written personal statement or my socioeconomic hardship that prompted her to interview me to see if I was a candidate for Rutgers Law School – Newark, class of 2000. While faith was a bit dormant still, there was a flame starting to grow. A point of curiosity. I scheduled the interview with Dean Bouchoux on my birthday. After all, the two most important days of someone’s life is the day they were born and the day they found out why.
I remember after Dean Bouchoux reviewed my application, she asked me very pointedly, “why should Rutgers Law School accept you?” I remember my answer now as clear as it was the day I said it on June 16, 1997. I confidently replied, ‘I will not let this school down and if this school bets on me now, there will be a return later, I promise. I will make sure that this Law School will be proud one day that they accepted me.’ Inside, it was almost like, I got this far, I can’t slow down now and I knew that this is where I needed to be for the next three years. I remember thinking I've come too far with too little to not be an asset to this institution one day, surely not now of course, I was looking for the School to step outside what it says on paper about me and extend a branch off the trust tree. I knew that if accepted, the challenges would be different. I would no longer need to be street smart, but book smart. No more fights with my fists, it’s time to fight with your brain. After all, I was a fight not flight person and that was an important feature of mine that was well learned and definitely earned. New kids always got bullied and this was before there were mobile apps. Don’t get me wrong, bullying is serious, but getting jumped by multiple people, you have to fight, you have no choice. I knew if I could train myself to fight with my mind it would be a positive change. You see, when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose and only have one direction to go, up. There was never a risk to fail because I was already down and had nothing to lose.
Dean Bouchoux must have decided to place the bet, because three short days after my interview I was accepted into Rutgers. I admit, the summer of 1997, I did experience a sense of peace and place that I never experienced before. Let’s be honest, for my entire life, I was either on the move or hunkered down trying to come back from being 20 points down in the game of life. I had to also fall in place with my surroundings and there was a great deal of trying to fake it till I make it reality. So this new formed path gave me a permanency that I never really had. At this point now, I started to realize I was coming into a place that I was never before. I have created opportunities now, I don’t want to lose. So essentially I hung up the gloves for a book. Also for the first time I had people close to me starting to question the opinions they formed about who I am. John is going to law school, I didn't realize he was smart. It was all new to me too. My family would often joke that they thought I would need a lawyer, not be a lawyer. I was so excited, it was great to finally feel "caught up." Even though I knew I had a ways to go. But for the first time, I knew I was somewhere that I not only belonged, but would soon thrive.
There was only one thing standing in my way. The other part of that letter said that in order to reserve my spot, I would need to send in $350.00 as part of my deposit and commitment to attending. That was a lot of money and I didn't have it. Well, I did what any responsible person with no money would do. I went into that old shoe box and pulled all these useless pieces of paper that were put in periodic birthday cards and given to me at life events that I received over the last 10 years and whether these US bonds were mature or not, I walked into the local bank and cashed them all in Wouldn't you know, I got a return of 343.00, just a few bucks short of what I needed. I was happy to send all the money I had to my name to Rutgers Law School. To this day, it was the best money I ever spent. Law School didn't just teach me law, it trained my brain to think and it changed my life and how I made decisions. And I was ready to be trained.
I made a small promise to myself that summer. Yes I was broke, but I was confident, so much so that I was going to make sure I saved enough money that summer to finally put a head stone on my father’s grave. It was a little bit of unfinished business and I just needed the 10 years to get life on track so that I can fix an old wound. This was a wound that hurt me the most during those early years. A constant reminder when I would visit my father at the cemetery. Being poor is one thing, but when you see that your Dad is the only grave for miles with only a small homemade wooden cross and every other tomb has a head stone, you can't help to feel helpless and hopeless. Listen, the feeling of being without or not having enough is one thing, but feeling helpless because you can't properly bury your Dad – there was no feeling worse than that for me. A tangible taste of just how poor we were. I was a responsible kid, and I never felt that this was on me, but I vowed to make it right, regardless if it wasn't a priority to anyone other than me. This was a perfect time to do it too. I worked all summer to make that money and it was well worth it. I was even able to save some room for the last part of John 3:16 to be etched in under his name.
Since I lost my father at 10, I didn't have a father figure to teach me or look up to for advice going forward in life. Looking back now, I think while I was getting by, I always made it a point to see the good in every situation. I also made a point to recognize good qualities in people and try and make those qualities my own. It helped me to piece together an independent man and the idea of the man I would like to become. Especially not having a Dad or father figure to look up to as a role model. The good parts of the people that would come in and out of my life I used to shape my person. How else does one explain my not getting completely lost and using my situation as sympathy instead of opportunity and promise? How does that decision work? God certainly had His hand on my shoulder and nudging me to take the right road at the fork. Inevitably, the path that will lead to His road. Many people will say you did it all on your own, no one ever helped you, you have nobody to thank but yourself. That can’t be further from the truth. I was never alone. God was there, I just didn't know it at the time. Even if you aren't a believer, there has got to be a part of you that can recognize this couldn't happen just by chance. I couldn't have gotten lucky the whole way, I’m not even mentioning all the battles and fights I had over the years, physical and otherwise. This is a PG piece. I was too occupied to be taught and not smart enough to know the difference.
School is out and it’s time to start a professional life and build a future! 2000 – 2010 was the decade that I term “worldly lessons.” From technology start-ups to practicing law from building businesses and starting a family, this decade will start as life’s fight for success and family and conclude with sights set on God and true love for Jesus Christ and a heart 100% focused on following Him.
Just to sum things up, ages 0 to 10 was a relatively nuclear family life, but very transient and ended tragic and poor. The best way to describe ages 10 – 25 was survival, grind and educate yourself. Ages 25-35 would be the build, learn, experience and succeed years. And the best years, which I am living right now --age 35 to present -- I am self-titling the God years. It was when I realized that it is not success in this world that makes you, it’s what you do for God's kingdom that makes you successful.
Made some money, lost some money, built a business, sold a business, built a family and lost a family, had faith in the world and replaced it with faith in God. Oh, I also paid Rutgers Law and Dean Bouchoux back on that bet. The John Carrino Scholarship for Perseverance at Rutgers Law School - Newark, provides $5,000.00 a year scholarship to a different law student every year that has had similar socioeconomic hardship and struggles.
Over the next four years, the God years, I will develop such a deep faith that it can only be summed up as that I divorced the world from my heart and gave it all to God. While the entire time He was paying my rent next door, God and I joined apartments and I was OK with giving Him the controls fully.
So, who is this carpenter Jesus? My Dad was a carpenter, I knew my Dad was strong and tough for sure as he worked with his hands, and so did Jesus. The Catholic Church taught me the tradition and story of this Man, but what I failed to learn was how simple it all is. Maybe I wasn't ready because Church for me was more of a chore than choice, I don't know. After my Dad died, I slowly left the Catholic Church only returning to receive sacraments and when I was told to go. The typical CEO: Christmas Easter Only. Don’t get me wrong, I believe the Catholic Church is good and I sense God’s presence there, it just didn't give me what I needed to develop a relationship with Jesus, then or now. I was starving for a church community that is going to inspire me to be a God person and follow Jesus, a support structure for my faith.
As my faith grew, I would come to find out later that it’s all about a relationship with Jesus, not a religion or religious wrapper around this Man to make following Him harder. If you remove man made tradition and rituals from the equation, you are left with Biblical rules that will be hard to follow and practice but will give you the gift of salvation and a purpose in life along with a constant love that is hard to explain unless you are in it. I can only say now I understand why people evangelize. You are so excited and things make so much sense, you can’t wait to tell people the good news. It's a spiritual awakening that you want to see others experience too.
But I realized that I needed to be careful if I was truly going to show people the light of Jesus; I needed to show them how normal I was and how much love I have for Him with bold examples of life that can only be understood through a showcase of radical grace and a strong faith. Instead of talking, I put my faith into action and let others see my faith through example. Why speak? Show yourself through truth and deed. In business I learned to be successful, you can’t be turning people off by being pushy, always right and head strong, you want people to work hard for you because they don’t want to disappoint you, not because they fear you. They will follow your example because they see it works and they are attracted to the strong independent leader. But it starts with you. Same holds true if they want to learn about my faith. Maybe I can be a step that helps a person develop a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ.
I would often maximize an opportunity to preach to someone when they would ask me a question on how I achieved something they saw as successful. To explain to them in simple terms, it all came about by faith in Christ. I would explain how when I gave my life to God and promised to follow Jesus I made more money, became more successful in the eyes of the world, fell deeper in love with my wife, confronted evil with a power man can’t speak of and saw and achieved success where others saw despair. I was operating at a different level. A certain firepower with a bottomless tank of gas.
The best gift was that I was able to introduce my wife and four children to this Man Jesus who will come into their hearts and will provide and protect them with everything they will need. I am living proof. My faith became a model for my family that is proven by my wife and oldest daughter recently being baptized and publicly declaring their love for Jesus and a promise to follow Him. What better gift to be given and received by someone. They were right next to me on this journey and not only witnessed first-hand the transformation of a man, but all the fruits of my faith being provided for all of us to enjoy.
Maybe what the world saw from worldly eyes at my situation as a kid was sorrow, tragedy and defeat. I can tell you that at the time, I felt that from this world and people would often remind me of my situation. One can’t wear my shoes unless they walked my path, I know this and have a healthy respect for that value with others’ life journey. No two crosses we carry are the same and they all weigh different and are heavy in different ways.
I realize I got off easy, it could have been worse. I could have lost both parents at 10, possibly became a ward of the State. Maybe instead of moving so many times from apartment to apartment with my mom and younger sister, I could have moved in and out of foster homes apart from my sister. It always can be worse. That's not the point. God will never abandon His children and He won't give His children what they can't handle. It didn't matter if the deck was stacked against me, or if the odds for me "making it" were too high and probability of "success" too low. The optics inevitably weren't of this world. It was the vision of faith to be discovered and the necessary stitching that needed to happen in my life for a spiritual eye to see through lenses of love, hope and Christ.
My life can be best summed up in two simple Bible verses: "I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13
Maybe God took my father early, gave me a lesson of humbleness and humility that I may have not received if he remained alive. Maybe I had to receive these lessons earlier so that I didn't have to find them later and that I can fully understand the gifts I would receive were from God and not from me or my hands. After all, man cannot live on bread alone. My father’s leaving earth early was God’s early design for my life. It was a blessing.
As a father of four, I understand now what my father meant when he told me his life goal was to have my life be better and more successful than his. Good things come from tragic situations. I am sad that my father had to leave early for my life to begin. I know now that my earthly father had to die so my heavenly father can come alive and for a spiritual warrior for Christ to be born in a boy, sharpened by a young adult and lived out by a man.
I will be reunited soon with my father in the Kingdom of Heaven and he will be proud how I found my way back to Christ, despite the worldly obstacles that were in front of me. As for my time here on earth, whether well fed or hungry, I know now what I didn't know then. God’s two hands have been on me the entire time because He has a plan for my life and it’s not over yet. In fact, it’s just getting started.
--- John Carrino. to get in touch with John Carrino, please email: john@braveside.com. John Carrino is also an attorney with the Law Office of John Carrino in Oldwick, NJ.
John Carrino
Braveside Ministries
174 Lamington Road
Oldwick, NJ. 08858
John Carrino
Braveside Ministries
174 Lamington Road
Oldwick, NJ. 08858
